Archive for the ‘Randomness’ Category

“Pull your damn pants up!!”, “That isn’t real music!”, “They sure don’t make these things like they used to.”, ETC

Sound familiar? Sound like something you as a grown up have said in response to something the generation after us has done? Sound exactly like some shit your folks said to you when you were a spring chicken that you subsequently rolled your eyes and probably scoffed at? Welcome to that stage of life. That stage where you become your parents. That stage where you realize you’re in bed by 9PM and sleeping in is getting up around 7AM. The stage where none of the new dances make sense and you have a hard time doing them all…….but still try.

Cyclical. Most things move in a circle and history repeats itself throughout time. This includes government policy, the Raiders being good (fingers crossed), and of course getting old and hating all the things the youngins are doing. Skinny jeans, snap backs, and flat tops being the pinnacle of this new trend makes me growl loudly and shake my fist with strong voracious intent to mock and remember how things used to be. I remember when my folks used to do the same exact thing when I rocked my overalls with one strap. Or when I had more lines in my head than Lindsey Lohan has on her coffee table. They couldn’t wait to tell me about myself. I fear that I have come to this point of my life and I am weirdly OK with it. I am fine with the understanding that the generation you grew up in is always going to be the best in your eyes. I don’t necessarily believe that Cross Colours was better than today’s fashion, but during the time they were the bees knees. Seems today’s trends want to be a new twist on an old flavor. I guess it is the current time trying to pay homage to the past. When you really look at it our generation isn’t ready to be the past. This is why we poke fun and berate. It has nothing to do with exactly what we deem cool or popular. Its based off of the times changing and holding on to the past. Its not a bad thing but it creates a line between generations. A line drawn in the sand that separates 80’s babies from kids who grew up in the Pokemon time or baby boomers and hippies. I refuse to let go of my 90’s hip hop and my need for being outside. Especially if the replacement is 2 Chainz and wearable computers (Google that shit). Took me a minute to come to terms with not being able to do the Jerk right off the bat. Then I thought; I would rather do the Wop anyway. I am a champion of my time and refuse to subscribe to the SWAG/HIPSTER epidemic. So I will just walk head high into my life as a generation hater. We are all guilty of it.

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As I write this blog I am nearing the 24th hour of consciousness which probably shouldn’t happen for someone who has to have attention to detail at work. I will take this time to first say that I am making a commitment to my blog as I have had a lot of people who have given me positive feedback and I have not touched it in quite some time. The last time I wrote here it was about my issues sleeping. Well I can say that the issue is still evident and I am a shining example of consistency. I am up when I should be nearing time to wake up. Normally things on my mind never cause me to lose sleep, but tonight is different.

I have a mind that normally moves at the speed of a nervous virgin during his first time with a woman. I am fine with that as it is par for the course for a person that has no rhyme or reason for thinking about the things I think about. Normally I can parry the silliness and just force myself to sleep. Tonight for some reason, my head is a buzz saw of nonsense that I cannot slow enough to even purge from my cerebral stronghold. Any other night I would have a head filled with what can only be described as an acid trip while being water boarded by clowns on the set of a 70’s porn shoot while receiving a Dutch Rudder. Yes….I am fantastically weird and you now have a small glimpse into what makes me the person you all know and hopefully love. However that is not what is going through my head tonight. It seems as though the weird things I can handle with ease but when real dilemmas displace all other ‘regular’ thoughts I am incapable of sleeping until I have devised some sort of game plan to combat the intrusion of normality into my chaotic symphony of a brain.

I again am at the point of counting the time I will be able to sleep if I just immediately fell asleep right this second. Once that seal has been broken, the downward slide from being in bed to looking forward to work is a descent into hatred and raw frustration. I can already tell that the probability of me having a ‘Nigga Moment‘ at work is amazingly high as of right now due to my lack of patience when I am deprived of literally the easiest thing we as humans have to do which is sleep. As I slouch with the best of the worst posture and contemplate how I will make June 12th not be the day that my stellar 15 year streak of not losing my mind  comes to an end; I can only hope that the coffee is laced with Kool-Aid and Monster. Good night and thanks for reading. I will be making sure I keeps the blogs coming.

I am beginning a blog at the wonderfully late time of 2:30AM on the dot. I will preface it by saying, “shits about to get weird”.

I am a victim. I am suffering and there is no end in sight. I have been clapped in metaphoric chains and as much as I fight it, the wiggle room becomes taught with every tussle. The culprit? Insomnia. I have actually been good about getting some sleep seeing as how I have to wake up at a quarter to 5 every morning just to be late to work. Prior to my early morning job I had the comfort of being at ease with my insomnia as my job required me not being there until the afternoon. For someone like me who is at his most creative and his most free at the wee hours, I don’t know how I have been able to maintain outer sanity. Inner sanity has been compromised but I have an intricate and aggressive plan for keeping my inner mashed potatoes mixed in with my outer macaroni on the dinner plate of my compos mentis. I won’t go into it for fear of being ousted like a witch in Salem. Lets just say that it is a very involved process and requires the mental capacity of a dolphin that learned to walk and speak with a Scottish accent and then stumbled onto the Higgs boson based off of a bet he made to the contrary with a colleague. I see people lose their shit all the time due to insomnia and it is never a pretty site. The funniest part of someone having a breakdown is the minute or 2 after they just realized they just had a full on shit show in public. They collect whatever clothing was thrown in the ordeal and try to maintain a mean  face in the process so no one calls them out for the drama bomb that ensued. I for one have never had a breakdown. And good god have I been tested. I wear my cerebral control as a badge of honor. I look at it as a mini competition and I am seeing how many days in a row I can go without any factory accidents. So far we have a 15 year streak going. I can’t in good faith count my early teenage years as I was an emotional mess.

 
I am at the point now where I am counting how much sleep I could get if I fell asleep right this second and I am not liking the results so far. There is nothing that can be considered 100% normal going on at this hour. I just turned off a documentary about prostitutes on HBO. But only because I have seen it already and it just isn’t as shocking after 9th time seeing it. I don’t know what do with myself at this hour so my brother suggested I write. This is the cosmic slop that came out. Are you not entertained? So for the immediate future I will just fight making a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC as it is known in some circles), lay in perpetual discomfort, fill my blanket with unpleasant olfactory violations, and check my Facebook from my phone. I love you all and I would love to put confidence in saying good night, but I cannot. So………lates.

Holy shit! The flu is no joke. I was reduced to literally laying down and doing nothing all weekend. Which is kinda terrible when you have hungry kids. Thank Thor it was raining outside this weekend so the sugar they curiously had in their systems wasn’t requested to be de-fueled outdoors. I was an absolutely worthless father ALL weekend. I did nothing for my kids outside of sandwiches and putting  Puss ‘n’ Boots in the Blu-Ray player. And I am sure they will also be sick as I handled their food with the care of  a 3rd world meat kiosk without access to electricity. But what it lacked in care, it made up with in love. And by love I mean I gave them 4 different sandwiches and a bag of chips to buy myself some sleep time. I trust my daughter enough to know that some Disney XD and Cheetos is a day well spent. Its my son who I feared waking up to a re-enactment of any movie where everything was destroyed and there are no survivors. I am glad that my preemptive DVR training for my kids has paid off. They handled On-Demand like some pre-teen champs in my absence.

I am also glad that at this time I am single. No woman would respect a man after the smell of being sick all day has hit the olfactories. I smelled like what I am positive the inside of Wendy Williams’ female body suit smells like. I have since showered, but the length of time betwixt cleansings was unbearably lengthy. I am not ashamed to admit this only because I would like offer my kudo’s to any woman or any man who sticks through next to someone while they are incapable to being able to function due to illness. I mean I can’t say I was at the point where a sponge bath was necessary. But I am sure if someone was there I would have taken way too many liberties with their kindness.

The entire time I was laying in bed sick all I could think about was Jordan put up 38 against the Jazz with the flu. Why can’t I get out of the effing bed? At the very least I feel as though I should have at least been able to sit and watch TV with my kids this weekend. But I felt like an innkeeper for 2 small travelers. Just showed them where to poop and how easy it was to use the ice maker. I am glad that my annual sickness has come and gone. I have no use for being useless. I will make it up to my kids this weekend by buying them something Bieber’esque to destroy (they hate Bieber) and following it up with Icees. I love my youngins.

I would like to say I am new to blogging. But countless forms of social media have been running blogs for me for quite some time now.  I guess a small rant into my history and what got me into blogging would be the norm. But I really don’t think anyone cares about my back story. I feel that in order to post a back story, enough people outside of your own family have to actually give a shit. So until I become a famous blogger or create an embarrassing but famous sex tape (I’m not picky), I will just try to captivate with my writing style and quippy remarks.

The thing that seems to be the opening topic when people see the name Bad Advice Man is, “what the hell does that mean”. I used to be happy to explain the origins of how I garnered such a moniker. That is until I saw that simplicity of it and how it should be common sense to figure out what it means. It is because of responses like that, people would say I come off as a smart ass. And I actually take that as a compliment. The antithesis of me being a smart ass is much less appealing. So I take the greater of the pair and I wear it as a badge of honor. The dumb ass club is a lot easier to get into than the smart ass club (brutal application process).

This blog is hopefully showing one of the main things that I hold dear, which is my randomness. This post is going nowhere fast and I applaud those still reading and hoping for some sort of substance this deep into a first post about nothing on a blog. I will however end the suffering by graciously bowing out. I may at some point have to get some work done since I am in fact at work.